Butter Off Dead

So I think I need to find a new trainer. This one isn't working out.

Joe the Trainer has been telling me that if you want to get in shape, you have to watch something which he calls "your diet". Now we all know exercise involves DOING things, not simply WATCHING things so right off the bat you know he's talking crazy. But I've given him the benefit of the doubt.

I used to have a bagel slathered in peanut butter for breakfast. Joe the Trainer said that was bad. Fine. Now I have turkey. After every workout, I used to stop by the gas station and pick up a Mountain Dew, a bag of pretzels and occasionally some peanut butter cups. Joe the Trainer said that was bad. Fine. Now I have a protein bar.

But get this: every day for lunch, I have a ham sandwich on white bread with butter. Joe the Trainer says that's bad and that I'm eating too much butter.

???

"Too much butter"? I don't even know what that means. Isn't that like having "too much money" or playing "too much Guitar Hero?" It makes no sense to me. He gave me some speech about saturated fat blah blah blah, but I think I have a really strong counter-argument: butter is yummy. Q.E.D.

Joe the Trainer suggested that I switch to "Smart Balance" spread. I gave it a shot, but it doesn't really taste like butter. It tastes more like jelly. Petroleum jelly. If you want to put Vaseline on your bread, knock yourself out but I think I'm gonna stick to my Land-O-Lakes, saturated fat and all.

Too much butter. Pshaw.